I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
