I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
