I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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