I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
