he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
