The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
