Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
