i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
