he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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