I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
BRING THE BAGELS
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
