i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
