I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
