Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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