Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
