I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
