My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
