you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
