when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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