I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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