I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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