I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
