We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
