I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
