I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
