I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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