I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
