my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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