My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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