Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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