handjob tips. give me some.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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