How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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