Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
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I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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