i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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