I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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