im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
