I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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