Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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