I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
