i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im just a social blackout drinker.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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