His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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