dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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