remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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