3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
