It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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