I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
