I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
