Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
