God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
