Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
