Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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