I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
