i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
