I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
