Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Small penises have feelings too.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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