Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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