where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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