I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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