How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
