Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
