The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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