I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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