did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.