i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?