Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.