Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
