I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
