Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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