I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
